Tainted Love: A Brief Match Update

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One of the winning services awarded Match.com subscribers is a fabulous weekly email. These arrive with the subject line “Your Matches.” Enclosed, thumbnail pictures of 8 women complete with user name and location and the best variable an assigned percentage of compatibility.

Without fail, the matches that come my way are touted as between 80% and 86%. By my math, that is B- to solid B range. Do I want a mate that is merely a good match? No, I want at least an A- (though bra size could sway me to settle for a B+). If my immediate reaction to the thumbnails is anything to go by, I shudder to think how a woman might respond to finding me in their mail.

Would it be like the 8th grade? Each morning I faced the indignity of walking toward my homeroom via the sixth grade hallway. Each morning I heard the budding popular set whisper “He’s so ugly.” I knew it wasn’t true, but the words still stung. Weren’t these young ladies supposed to lust after the older man? Was this evidence that I had no swagger?

Apparently the latter question rings true in both person and via web correspondence. Very few of my winks and emails are returned. I do find it amusing to send really sleazy emails to match.com girls, and I suppose this could account for the inactivity in my inbox. Also, I never really pay much attention to profiles or exercise any diligence to see if the girl of choice frequently visits the site anyway. I have pledged to exercise greater caution, and use the options with greater confidence, lest my monthly tariff fritter away.

New outlook in mind, I was braced for Monday’s “Your Matches” email. To great surprise, the first pictured lady was touted as a 90% match. Finally an A-! This was worth investigating. I clicked. I signed on. I reminded myself to carefully scrutinize her profile.

All looked good. Until, I arrived at the dreaded turn-on/turn-off section. The turn-offs were simple and clear, tattoos and sarcasm. Bollocks. These are my bread and butter. How can this lady be a 90% match? Where does Dr. Phil get off? The bald git has clearly got something wrong here.

I noticed a genuine attempt at humanity on the profile. “I return all emails and winks.” Ok, I thought, there is still hope that this A- is a true grade and not the type they give at Harvard. Summoning much courage I hit the “email her” button.

 

To: JLP11907 

Date Sent: December 17

Subject: In an email I just received

 

I was told you and I are a 90% match. Based on the fact that I am pretty heavily tattooed and you are turned off by them, I find this rather bizarre. But, I am willing to give match.com the benefit of the doubt. I see we enjoy similar things and think that a quiet dinner would turn your aversion to body art (at least on me).

Anyway,

Happy Holidays,

Nick

I know, I know. I said I liked to send sleazy emails to match.com girls. Hell, sometimes you have to switch the approach, act out of character, and see where it goes. As for her claim of returning emails, fucking lies. My damaged soul is nearing the stage of irreconcilable disinterest.

And, so the experiment with internet dating remains a complete waste of money. I have no dates, and have spent more time than I wish to admit looking for provocative cleavage shots. At bars, I always felt leering was something I was supposed to do. On websites, it makes me feel creepy (not on all websites mind you).

Being honest with myself, it’s time for a cancellation.


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